December 31
At age 83, Granddad was admitted to the hospital for the first time. "What is this?" he asked as he held up the bell cord they had fastened to his pillow.
"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.
He pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."
"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."
"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself."
Jesus' earthly life is framed by two impossibilities apart from God: A virgin's womb and an empty tomb.
This is an ancient art fallen into disuse. A really good, honest compliment shows that you appreciate the person you admire. There is no shortage of critics. But there is a dearth of people who say nice things when they genuinely feel them.
Some of us make resolutions like one man, named George, I heard about recently. He said to a friend: "There's nothing like getting up at six in the morning, going for a run around the park, and taking a brisk shower before breakfast."
His friend Bob asked, "How long have you been doing this?"
George said: "I start tomorrow."
BEWARE! IT’S TIME FOR SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER)
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) affects about 5% of us severely and perhaps 25% of us more mildly. Women and young adults are more likely to suffer from it. It’s a form of depression that, according to the National Mental Health Association (NMHA), is a real illness with sometimes severe symptoms. It’s worse in January and February, though starts as early as September. SAD is believed to be caused by melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain. Melatonin production increases in the dark, so in the winter, when the days are shorter and darker, production increases, causing symptoms of depression. SAD is extremely rare for people living within 30 degrees of the Equator, where daylight hours are long and extremely bright.
The Symptoms? Sleep problems, lethargy, overeating, depression, social problems, anxiety, loss of libido, mood changes, and a weakened immune system. For complete description, go here: http://www.sada.org.uk/symptoms.htm.
The Cure? Light suppresses the secretion of melatonin, so for lighter cases, get outside more, exercise outside, and arrange for more light at work and at home. Phototherapy has been helpful in more severe cases. A light box can be used that emits very bright light through a filter. Please check with your personal physician if you think you have SAD. About the Author : Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, cEQc, The EQ CoachTM, can be reached online at http://www.susandunn.cc.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It’s likely that if Jesus were still living among us today, He would be considered a criminal. Everyone would be mad at him ...
• The FDA for turning water into wine without a license;
• The EPA for killing fig trees;
• The American Medical Association for practicing medicine without a license;
• The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in un-sanitary conditions;
• The NEA for teaching without a certificate;
• OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and other unsafe boating practices;
• SPCA for driving hogs into the sea;
• The National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life;
• The NOW for not choosing a female apostle;
• The Interfaith Movement for condemning all other religions.
Without the Way, there is no going; without the Truth, there is no knowing; without the Life, there is no living. — Thomas á Kempis.
Making a Break (Author Unknown)
A Scottish preacher named John McNeill liked to tell about an eagle that had been captured when it was quite young. The farmer who snared the bird put a restraint on it so it couldn't fly, and then he turned it loose to roam the barnyard. It wasn't long till the eagle began to act like the chickens, scratching and pecking at the ground. This bird that once soared high in the air seemed satisfied to live the barnyard life of a chicken.
The day the farmer received a visit from a shepherd who came down from the mountains where the eagles lived. Seeing the eagle, the shepherd said to the farmer, "What a shame to keep that bird hobbled here in your barnyard! Why don't you let it go?" The farmer agreed, so they cut off the restraint. But the eagle continued to wander around, scratching and pecking as before.
The shepherd picked it up and set it on a high stone wall. For the first time in months, the eagle saw the grand expanse of blue sky and the glowing sun. Then it spread its wings and with a leap soared off into a tremendous spiral flight, up and up and up. At last it was acting like an eagle again.
Like the eagle, if you're going to be free to soar and do what your Maker intended, you have to make a break with the barnyard. You cannot live in both places.
Have you made your break with the barnyard? Have you severed allegiance to the life of futility in sin? Or are you still living there, trying to soar one day, but living the next tethered and pecking with the chickens?
"Come out from their midst and be separate,' says the Lord. 'And do not touch what is unclean; and I will welcome you.' (2 Corinthians 6:17)
The whole truth by John Fischer
Author Phillip Yancey tells a story of a man in his church that can’t help comparing being late for church to being late for his regular Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. When he’s late for church, he says that he has the distinct feeling from everyone around him that he’s not as responsible or he would get to church on time. When he’s late for an A.A. meeting, however, the meeting stops, everyone jumps up to hug him because they realize he almost didn’t make it, and they are so glad his need for them won out over his need for alcohol.
What’s the difference? The whole truth. The people who got to church on time may have gotten that one thing right, but they have a bunch of other things wrong with them, making them just as needy as the alcoholic. Fellowship isn’t going to mean anything if we don’t tell the whole truth about ourselves. Real fellowship means stepping into the light of God’s truth where everything is revealed, and when we bring ourselves to the light, we discover we are not alone. There’s a roomful of other believers all struggling with something too, and that sense of shared need is part of the bond that holds us together.
Yes, we’re people following Christ, but we’re all a bunch of forgiven sinners, too, who wouldn’t have a chance at life were it not for what Christ has done for us. So grab someone and let’s walk into the light together, where the blood of Jesus purifies us from all of our sins. Isn’t that the group you want to be in?
“But if we walk in the light as he [God] is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7 NIV)
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab - "Sorry I took so long," he says, "The stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Now take a moment to ponder "what is it really all about ?
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, " Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?
Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either'' Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of excitement?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live till your 80?"
The bus driver stopped to pick up the child for preschool. The driver noticed the child hugging an older woman as he left the house. The driver asked, "Is that your grandmother?"
"Yes," the little boy answered, "she's visiting us for Christmas."
"How nice! Where does she live?"
"She lives at the airport. Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her y back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many ga! dgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt e.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
How much television will the average American watch next year? According to the just-released Statistical Abstract of the United States, the answer is 1,555 hours (678 hours of broadcast TV and 877 hours of cable and satellite offerings). That works out to 4.3 hours daily. When other media are added in (radio, Internet, newspapers, magazines, books and video games), the daily media consumption figure rises to a whopping 9.65 hours. Only one activity topped media use: breathing.
"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.
He pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."
"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."
"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself."
Jesus' earthly life is framed by two impossibilities apart from God: A virgin's womb and an empty tomb.
This is an ancient art fallen into disuse. A really good, honest compliment shows that you appreciate the person you admire. There is no shortage of critics. But there is a dearth of people who say nice things when they genuinely feel them.
Some of us make resolutions like one man, named George, I heard about recently. He said to a friend: "There's nothing like getting up at six in the morning, going for a run around the park, and taking a brisk shower before breakfast."
His friend Bob asked, "How long have you been doing this?"
George said: "I start tomorrow."
BEWARE! IT’S TIME FOR SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER)
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) affects about 5% of us severely and perhaps 25% of us more mildly. Women and young adults are more likely to suffer from it. It’s a form of depression that, according to the National Mental Health Association (NMHA), is a real illness with sometimes severe symptoms. It’s worse in January and February, though starts as early as September. SAD is believed to be caused by melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain. Melatonin production increases in the dark, so in the winter, when the days are shorter and darker, production increases, causing symptoms of depression. SAD is extremely rare for people living within 30 degrees of the Equator, where daylight hours are long and extremely bright.
The Symptoms? Sleep problems, lethargy, overeating, depression, social problems, anxiety, loss of libido, mood changes, and a weakened immune system. For complete description, go here: http://www.sada.org.uk/symptoms.htm.
The Cure? Light suppresses the secretion of melatonin, so for lighter cases, get outside more, exercise outside, and arrange for more light at work and at home. Phototherapy has been helpful in more severe cases. A light box can be used that emits very bright light through a filter. Please check with your personal physician if you think you have SAD. About the Author : Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, cEQc, The EQ CoachTM, can be reached online at http://www.susandunn.cc.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It’s likely that if Jesus were still living among us today, He would be considered a criminal. Everyone would be mad at him ...
• The FDA for turning water into wine without a license;
• The EPA for killing fig trees;
• The American Medical Association for practicing medicine without a license;
• The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in un-sanitary conditions;
• The NEA for teaching without a certificate;
• OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and other unsafe boating practices;
• SPCA for driving hogs into the sea;
• The National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life;
• The NOW for not choosing a female apostle;
• The Interfaith Movement for condemning all other religions.
Without the Way, there is no going; without the Truth, there is no knowing; without the Life, there is no living. — Thomas á Kempis.
Making a Break (Author Unknown)
A Scottish preacher named John McNeill liked to tell about an eagle that had been captured when it was quite young. The farmer who snared the bird put a restraint on it so it couldn't fly, and then he turned it loose to roam the barnyard. It wasn't long till the eagle began to act like the chickens, scratching and pecking at the ground. This bird that once soared high in the air seemed satisfied to live the barnyard life of a chicken.
The day the farmer received a visit from a shepherd who came down from the mountains where the eagles lived. Seeing the eagle, the shepherd said to the farmer, "What a shame to keep that bird hobbled here in your barnyard! Why don't you let it go?" The farmer agreed, so they cut off the restraint. But the eagle continued to wander around, scratching and pecking as before.
The shepherd picked it up and set it on a high stone wall. For the first time in months, the eagle saw the grand expanse of blue sky and the glowing sun. Then it spread its wings and with a leap soared off into a tremendous spiral flight, up and up and up. At last it was acting like an eagle again.
Like the eagle, if you're going to be free to soar and do what your Maker intended, you have to make a break with the barnyard. You cannot live in both places.
Have you made your break with the barnyard? Have you severed allegiance to the life of futility in sin? Or are you still living there, trying to soar one day, but living the next tethered and pecking with the chickens?
"Come out from their midst and be separate,' says the Lord. 'And do not touch what is unclean; and I will welcome you.' (2 Corinthians 6:17)
The whole truth by John Fischer
Author Phillip Yancey tells a story of a man in his church that can’t help comparing being late for church to being late for his regular Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. When he’s late for church, he says that he has the distinct feeling from everyone around him that he’s not as responsible or he would get to church on time. When he’s late for an A.A. meeting, however, the meeting stops, everyone jumps up to hug him because they realize he almost didn’t make it, and they are so glad his need for them won out over his need for alcohol.
What’s the difference? The whole truth. The people who got to church on time may have gotten that one thing right, but they have a bunch of other things wrong with them, making them just as needy as the alcoholic. Fellowship isn’t going to mean anything if we don’t tell the whole truth about ourselves. Real fellowship means stepping into the light of God’s truth where everything is revealed, and when we bring ourselves to the light, we discover we are not alone. There’s a roomful of other believers all struggling with something too, and that sense of shared need is part of the bond that holds us together.
Yes, we’re people following Christ, but we’re all a bunch of forgiven sinners, too, who wouldn’t have a chance at life were it not for what Christ has done for us. So grab someone and let’s walk into the light together, where the blood of Jesus purifies us from all of our sins. Isn’t that the group you want to be in?
“But if we walk in the light as he [God] is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7 NIV)
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab - "Sorry I took so long," he says, "The stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Now take a moment to ponder "what is it really all about ?
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, " Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?
Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either'' Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of excitement?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live till your 80?"
The bus driver stopped to pick up the child for preschool. The driver noticed the child hugging an older woman as he left the house. The driver asked, "Is that your grandmother?"
"Yes," the little boy answered, "she's visiting us for Christmas."
"How nice! Where does she live?"
"She lives at the airport. Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her y back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many ga! dgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt e.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
How much television will the average American watch next year? According to the just-released Statistical Abstract of the United States, the answer is 1,555 hours (678 hours of broadcast TV and 877 hours of cable and satellite offerings). That works out to 4.3 hours daily. When other media are added in (radio, Internet, newspapers, magazines, books and video games), the daily media consumption figure rises to a whopping 9.65 hours. Only one activity topped media use: breathing.
posted by joypastordon at 10:35 AM
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