October 5
"We must face today as children of tomorrow. We must meet the uncertainties of this world with the certainty of the world to come." - A. W. Tozer
One beautiful Sunday morning, a Minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1,000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour."
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
RIDDLES
Why was the piano tuner hired to play on the baseball team?
Because he had a perfect pitch.
Why couldn't the fans get soda pop at the double-header?
Because the home team lost the opener.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one.
If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?
The Lone Ranger.
Why did the nasty kid put ice cubes in his aunt's bed?
Because he wanted to make antifreeze.
How do you make an elephant float?
Take two scoops of ice cream, root beer, and add one elephant.
Where does a liar sleep?
In a bunk bed.
Pastoral Search Committee
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
My diet club meets every Tuesday evening. I hate dieting, so I usually eat as I please all week long and then fast on Tuesday before the dreaded weigh-in. With these eating habits, progress is slow. One day, frustrated by the numbers on my scale, I blurted, "I wish I
could lose some of this weight." "I know how you can do it," my ten-year-old daughter Marvella replied. "Just pretend that every day is Tuesday."
Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figures. --Joseph Addison
Live as if Christ died yesterday, arose this morning, and is coming back tomorrow!
Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
"The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us." -- Author Unknown
"It is comforting to know that the God who guides us sees tomorrow more clearly than we see yesterday." -- Author Unknown
Down Came Humpty
As Chuck Colson said, "Most of us have been badly shaken by the tumultuous events ... in Wall Street. If you have an IRA or some kind of retirement plan, no doubt you're licking your wounds. You may even be fearful. I understand. I've experienced those apprehensions myself....
"Because these financial troubles are the direct result of our nation turning its back on God. Simply put, the rise of relativism in postmodern Western life has led to the collapse of a moral consensus. With everyone making up his own rules when it comes to right and wrong, is it any wonder our economic system is under stress?
"Michael Novak, the great theologian, has said that Western democratic capitalism is like a three-legged stool, resting on political freedom, economic freedom, and moral restraint. Take away moral restraint, and the stool collapses."1
For many an individual to turn to God it takes a crisis. For a nation to turn back to God it often takes a national crisis. May this be the case here in the U.S. so that we turn back to our moral moorings and again let it be said that "in God we Trust." Let's be realistic, it's going to take a lot more than all the king's horses and all the king's men to put Humpty Dumpty together again. Chuck Colson, BreakPoint September 17, 2008
One beautiful Sunday morning, a Minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1,000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour."
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
RIDDLES
Why was the piano tuner hired to play on the baseball team?
Because he had a perfect pitch.
Why couldn't the fans get soda pop at the double-header?
Because the home team lost the opener.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one.
If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?
The Lone Ranger.
Why did the nasty kid put ice cubes in his aunt's bed?
Because he wanted to make antifreeze.
How do you make an elephant float?
Take two scoops of ice cream, root beer, and add one elephant.
Where does a liar sleep?
In a bunk bed.
Pastoral Search Committee
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.
My diet club meets every Tuesday evening. I hate dieting, so I usually eat as I please all week long and then fast on Tuesday before the dreaded weigh-in. With these eating habits, progress is slow. One day, frustrated by the numbers on my scale, I blurted, "I wish I
could lose some of this weight." "I know how you can do it," my ten-year-old daughter Marvella replied. "Just pretend that every day is Tuesday."
Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figures. --Joseph Addison
Live as if Christ died yesterday, arose this morning, and is coming back tomorrow!
Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
"The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us." -- Author Unknown
"It is comforting to know that the God who guides us sees tomorrow more clearly than we see yesterday." -- Author Unknown
Down Came Humpty
As Chuck Colson said, "Most of us have been badly shaken by the tumultuous events ... in Wall Street. If you have an IRA or some kind of retirement plan, no doubt you're licking your wounds. You may even be fearful. I understand. I've experienced those apprehensions myself....
"Because these financial troubles are the direct result of our nation turning its back on God. Simply put, the rise of relativism in postmodern Western life has led to the collapse of a moral consensus. With everyone making up his own rules when it comes to right and wrong, is it any wonder our economic system is under stress?
"Michael Novak, the great theologian, has said that Western democratic capitalism is like a three-legged stool, resting on political freedom, economic freedom, and moral restraint. Take away moral restraint, and the stool collapses."1
For many an individual to turn to God it takes a crisis. For a nation to turn back to God it often takes a national crisis. May this be the case here in the U.S. so that we turn back to our moral moorings and again let it be said that "in God we Trust." Let's be realistic, it's going to take a lot more than all the king's horses and all the king's men to put Humpty Dumpty together again. Chuck Colson, BreakPoint September 17, 2008
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