February 24, 2008
Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!
Top Ten Ways You Can Tell if You're Middle-Aged.
10. You rank the invention of remote control TV right up there with the discovery of fire, the invention of the light bulb, and elastic waistbands.
9. You don't know of a professional athlete still playing who is as old as you are.
8. You wear your hair longer than your teenagers.
7. You have more clothes hanging on your exercise equipment than in your closet.
6. Policemen look so young.
5. The attention you once paid to box scores is now directed at reading the fat content label.
4. You paid more for your last car than you did for your first house.
3. Your kids want your old bell-bottoms, because they are back in style.
2. You remember when radios plugged into the wall and toothbrushes didn't.
1. If they add any more lines to your glasses, they'll look like vertical blinds.
I finally did something about my weight: I stopped getting on the scale.
Does Mankind Embrace God?
University of Oxford researchers will spend nearly $4 million to study why mankind embraces God, according to breitbart.com. Anthropologists, theologians, philosophers and other academics under a grant — funded by the John Templeton Foundation, a U.S.-based philanthropic organization that funds wide-ranging research into questions that deal with the laws of nature and issues of spirituality — to the Ian Ramsey Center for Science and Religion will take three years to study whether belief in a divine being is a basic part of mankind's makeup.
"There are a lot of issues. What is it that is innate in human nature to believe in God, whether it is gods or something superhuman or supernatural?" said Roger Trigg, acting director of the center. "One implication that comes from this is that religion is the default position, and atheism is perhaps more in need of explanation."
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.
"Why not?" he was asked.
"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'"
He paused.
"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.
"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
"Satan promises the best, but pays with the worst; he promises honor and pays with disgrace; he promises pleasure and pays with pain; he promises profit and pays with loss; he promises life and pays with death." -- Thomas Brooks
Turning Jesus Down
In the past fifteen to twenty years, many churches have been designed in response to consumer surveys. In several Midwestern suburban areas the surveys have had similar results. People want the church to provide a good community center with an excellent gym and Nautilus-caliber training equipment; they want quality affordable day care and after school care for children; they want a variety of self-help and support groups; and they want sermons dealing with timely issues like money management and enhancing self-esteem. What they do not want are worship services where they are asked to participate or sing hymns; and they do not want sermons dealing with topics like sin, personal ethics, world hunger, or self-sacrifice. In response to such trends, within the past few years one of the larger churches in Evansville discontinued serving communion or baptizing people during regular worship services. They have discovered that people don't want religious rituals that talk about the new birth or the body and blood of Christ; they want a fellowship that will basically affirm who they are as good and worthwhile individuals and encourage them to maximize their potential. After watching a fairly detailed television account of one of these rapidly growing churches a few years ago, my daughter remarked that it was good for the planners to ask what people want out of a church, but that it might not hurt also to ask what God wants out of the church.
There is the control issue again. Does God have any control over the church, or is the church simply an institution designed to meet the articulated desires of its members? The woman at the well felt comfortable turning Jesus down. Sometimes we do too.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
IF ONLY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...
If you’ve ever owned a computer, chances are you’ve had reason to call technical support for help a time or two. If so, you may have heard this automated message, or something of the sort:
“Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, [it] is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.” —Source unknown.
Take heart, ye who are technologically challenged. This is an excerpt that purports to be from a Wall Street Journal article, although we haven’t been able to trace it. Use this material after asking your congregation to suspend their disbelief:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer,” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under “Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.”
What God Has Promised (By Annie Johnson Flint)
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
Day without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, Light for the way.
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, Undying love . . .
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Then there was the church that was holding a chicken dinner for its flock. The notices went out to remind everyone to come in for a wing and a prayer.
When Eli Whitney announced to the world that he had just invented the cotton gin, he was surprised at the number of people who didn't care. After all, who needs a fluffy martini!
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
The three major food groups are canned, frozen and takeout.
Top Ten Ways You Can Tell if You're Middle-Aged.
10. You rank the invention of remote control TV right up there with the discovery of fire, the invention of the light bulb, and elastic waistbands.
9. You don't know of a professional athlete still playing who is as old as you are.
8. You wear your hair longer than your teenagers.
7. You have more clothes hanging on your exercise equipment than in your closet.
6. Policemen look so young.
5. The attention you once paid to box scores is now directed at reading the fat content label.
4. You paid more for your last car than you did for your first house.
3. Your kids want your old bell-bottoms, because they are back in style.
2. You remember when radios plugged into the wall and toothbrushes didn't.
1. If they add any more lines to your glasses, they'll look like vertical blinds.
I finally did something about my weight: I stopped getting on the scale.
Does Mankind Embrace God?
University of Oxford researchers will spend nearly $4 million to study why mankind embraces God, according to breitbart.com. Anthropologists, theologians, philosophers and other academics under a grant — funded by the John Templeton Foundation, a U.S.-based philanthropic organization that funds wide-ranging research into questions that deal with the laws of nature and issues of spirituality — to the Ian Ramsey Center for Science and Religion will take three years to study whether belief in a divine being is a basic part of mankind's makeup.
"There are a lot of issues. What is it that is innate in human nature to believe in God, whether it is gods or something superhuman or supernatural?" said Roger Trigg, acting director of the center. "One implication that comes from this is that religion is the default position, and atheism is perhaps more in need of explanation."
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.
"Why not?" he was asked.
"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'"
He paused.
"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.
"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
"Satan promises the best, but pays with the worst; he promises honor and pays with disgrace; he promises pleasure and pays with pain; he promises profit and pays with loss; he promises life and pays with death." -- Thomas Brooks
Turning Jesus Down
In the past fifteen to twenty years, many churches have been designed in response to consumer surveys. In several Midwestern suburban areas the surveys have had similar results. People want the church to provide a good community center with an excellent gym and Nautilus-caliber training equipment; they want quality affordable day care and after school care for children; they want a variety of self-help and support groups; and they want sermons dealing with timely issues like money management and enhancing self-esteem. What they do not want are worship services where they are asked to participate or sing hymns; and they do not want sermons dealing with topics like sin, personal ethics, world hunger, or self-sacrifice. In response to such trends, within the past few years one of the larger churches in Evansville discontinued serving communion or baptizing people during regular worship services. They have discovered that people don't want religious rituals that talk about the new birth or the body and blood of Christ; they want a fellowship that will basically affirm who they are as good and worthwhile individuals and encourage them to maximize their potential. After watching a fairly detailed television account of one of these rapidly growing churches a few years ago, my daughter remarked that it was good for the planners to ask what people want out of a church, but that it might not hurt also to ask what God wants out of the church.
There is the control issue again. Does God have any control over the church, or is the church simply an institution designed to meet the articulated desires of its members? The woman at the well felt comfortable turning Jesus down. Sometimes we do too.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
IF ONLY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...
If you’ve ever owned a computer, chances are you’ve had reason to call technical support for help a time or two. If so, you may have heard this automated message, or something of the sort:
“Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, [it] is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.” —Source unknown.
Take heart, ye who are technologically challenged. This is an excerpt that purports to be from a Wall Street Journal article, although we haven’t been able to trace it. Use this material after asking your congregation to suspend their disbelief:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer,” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under “Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.”
What God Has Promised (By Annie Johnson Flint)
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
Day without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, Light for the way.
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, Undying love . . .
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Then there was the church that was holding a chicken dinner for its flock. The notices went out to remind everyone to come in for a wing and a prayer.
When Eli Whitney announced to the world that he had just invented the cotton gin, he was surprised at the number of people who didn't care. After all, who needs a fluffy martini!
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
The three major food groups are canned, frozen and takeout.
posted by joypastordon at 1:24 PM
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