November 4

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock." - Will Rogers

How To Tell If You're Over The Hill:
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.
- The only reason you're still awake at 2 a.m. is indigestion.
- People ask you what color your hair used to be.
- You enjoy watching the news.
- Your car must have four doors.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.
- You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.
- You think a C.D. is a certificate of deposit.
- You have more than 2 pair of glasses.
- You read the obituaries daily.
- Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a Year. Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a Year. That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Ninety wars (at least) have broken out in the world since peace was declared in 1945. In the last 3,438 years of recorded history, only 268 have been without war. War and wickedness, like disease and death, are a part of what it means to be the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve.


Handyman Guide to Working Around the House
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, it's warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
4. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
5. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
6. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
7. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

Shaped by the Vine By Josh Akers
I have in my possession two very interesting walking sticks...
One is a limb from a maple tree, the other is a limb from an oak tree. The thing that makes each of these sticks so unique is that they have a spiral shape to them. Maple trees and oak trees don't typically grow this way. However, these limbs got wrapped up in some honeysuckle vines. As the trees grew, the bark and the wood were shaped by the vines that were wrapped in a neat spiral around them. The result was that the limbs took on a spiral shape themselves.
Thought: Have you ever considered that we are shaped by the things we surround ourselves with? If we surround ourselves with the things of the world, we'll grow to be more and more like the world (1 John 2:15). On the other hand, if we surround ourselves with Jesus Christ, we will become more and more like Him.

If we want everything to remain as it is, it will be necessary for everything to change.

- Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says, "May I have the envelope, please?"
- A wife told her husband the doctor said she wasn't well and needed the ocean breezes. So he fanned her with a herring.
- I bought my wife a car. Two weeks ago she learned how to drive it. Last week she learned how to aim it.
- My wife wanted a foreign convertible . . . so I bought her a rickshaw.
- I'm just back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- I came home last night and found our car in the dining room. I asked my wife, "How did you get the car into the dining room?" She said, "It was easy, I just turned left at the kitchen!"
- When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse.


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God

"To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe." -- Marilyn vos Savant

"Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the life-long attempt to acquire it." -- Albert Einstein

"In youth we learn, in age we understand." -– Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."

"Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them."

"Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker."

"Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on."

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."

"It's the second mouse that gets the cheese."

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live."

"We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box."

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."

One Tick at a Time Once there was a handsome clock that became preoccupied with worry about its future. It began thinking about the number of times it would have to tick: twice each second, 120 times per minute, 7,200 times an hour, 172,800 times a day, 63,072,000 times a year. When it realized that in the next ten years it would have to tick 630,720,000 times, it had a nervous breakdown. The clock went to a watchmaker for therapy. While under the watchmaker's care, the clock began to realize that all it needed to do was to tick just one tick at a time. Soon it began to tick again, and it continued ticking, one tick at a time for one hundred years. And everyone loved that old grandfather clock.

Thought for today: "Jesus avoided conversations that tried to persuade by analyzing fine points of the law (cf. the scribes and Pharisees). Rather, he helped people picture the kingdom of God, and he invited them to see themselves in the picture."


Stress Management
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. "
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!

Five Birds and Good Intentions By Michael Jospehson of Character Counts (476.2)
Five birds are sitting on a telephone wire. Two of them decide to fly South. How many are left? Three, you say? No, it's five. You see, deciding to fly South is not the same as doing it.
If a bird really wants to go somewhere, it's got to point itself in the right direction, jump off the wire and flap its wings.
Good intentions are not enough. Our character is defined and our lives are determined not by what we want, say or think, but by what we do.
I frequently think of writing thank-you notes, birthday wishes and letters of praise. Unfortunately, only a sad few of these good sentiments ever make it to paper. Still, if I don't look too closely, I can delude myself into thinking that based on my good thoughts, I'm a gracious and grateful person. A truer picture of my character is drawn by my actions.
The challenge for me is to make the time to do the things I ought to do and say the things I want to say. There are lots of occasions to do this at home and at work. And one doesn't have to get sappy or insincere. Just look for opportunities to say something nice to
family members, friends or coworkers. Once you get the hang of it, expand your arena of action and call or write a former teacher, a columnist or a public servant you admire.
Quaker missionary Stephen Grellet put it eloquently: "I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again."
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

There is an anti-Christian movie (written by an atheist, Philip Pullman of England) called The Golden Compass coming out on December 7 (just in time for Christmas). It stars Nicole Kidman, so it will be getting a lot of publicity. Philip despises C.S Lewis and Narnia, and his goal is to "kill GOD in the minds of children". An article written about him labels him "the most dangerous author in Britain!" He has written 3 books that all promote atheism, and the movie depicts his first book (which is the more watered-down of the 3). His goal is that you see the movie and then that your kids want his trilogy for Christmas…and then it REALLY gets offensive in the second 2 books!! But just to give you a tid-bit of what's in Philip's books… a ex-nun calling Christianity a convincing mistake, 2 characters representing Adam & Eve KILL God (called YAHWEH) in the end, and there's a story about castration & female circumcision! It will be targeted toward children and advertised as a fun-holiday flick.

The church was celebrating Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.
"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"
Jennifer put up her hand and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"


• Many Americans Believe in a Judgment Day
About eight-in-ten Americans say that they have no doubt that God exists, that prayer is an important part of their lives, and that "we will all be called before God at the Judgment Day to answer for our sins," according to PewResearch.org. The number of people who completely agree with each statement rose during the 1990s and has declined more recently.

• Small Increase in the Number of Secular Americans
The number of Americans who say they are atheists or agnostics, or choose not to identify with a religious tradition has increased modestly over the past two decades. Pew Research found that, in 2006, 12 percent of U.S. adults identified themselves as secular or unaffiliated with a religious tradition as compared to eight percent in 1987.

• One-Third of Adults Feel Extreme Stress
A new survey from the American Psychological Association found that nearly a third of U.S. adults report "extreme stress," reports webmd.com. The survey found that: 32 percent report extreme stress; nearly one in five (17%) reach their highest stress level 15 or more days per month; and almost half (48%) say their stress level has risen over the last five years.

My wife and I recently had a college student and the girl he was dating over to our house for lunch on a Sunday. As we started to relax, I said, "Why don't you take your coat off?" I'd already taken off my tie and coat. The young man kind of hem-hawed around, however, as if he didn't want to do it. Finally, he got me off in a corner and said, reminding me of an old trick I knew well when I was in college, "The only parts of my shirt I ironed were the cuffs and the collar." He had pressed just the parts that showed. The rest of the shirt looked as if he had ironed it with a weedeater! That was the way of the Pharisees: the part people could see looked great, but a weedeater appeared to have done the ironing on the inside. Righteousness Inside Out

The same fire that melts the butter hardens the egg. --Middle-Eastern proverb