October 28
ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME
There will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
"There is too much organising and too little agonising in the church today. Too much working before men and too little waiting before God."
"Where will you spend eternity?
a) here b) heaven c) hell d) not sure, is that your final answer?"
Go to God in prayer and ask him to use a "little thing" in your life to reach someone today.
"Just as saltwater fish exist their entire lives in an ocean without becoming saturated with salt, Jesus ministered in the world without being of the world." - Rick Warren
Have you ever noticed that just one *line* makes all the difference between EAT and FAT?
A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running. Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."
There's the story about the MIT student who spent an entire summer going to Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.
When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.
Our mind is where our pleasure is, our heart is where our treasure is, our love is where our life is, but all these, our pleasure, treasure, and life, are reposed in Jesus Christ. --Thomas Adams
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."
Some rules to live a long life:
- Don't throw a brick straight up.
- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
- Don't microwave yourself too often.
- Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
- If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
- No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
- When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
- Don't take long naps while driving.
God knows where we are. Sometimes we forget this. Sometimes we even feel that God has forgotten us. He hasn't. God knows exactly where we are. So when you are afflicted with those forsaken feelings, when you’re on the verge of throwing a pity party thanks to those despairing thoughts, go back to the Word of God.
--Charles Swindoll
Wal-Mart is the United States’ and the world’s largest employer with more than 1.6 million employees. Another three million people have jobs directly dependent upon business by Wal-Mart.
“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your inspiration with others.” —Robert Louis Stevenson
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” —Bill Cosby
“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” —Andre Gide
“He who is not busy being born is busy dying.” —Bob Dylan, “It’s Alright, Ma”
"The most successful people are those who are good at Plan B." -- James Yorke
"Simplify the task. Continually look for faster, better, easier ways to get the job done." -- Brian Tracy
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." -- Herman Melville
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took a long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
Most friction in life is caused by the tone of the voice.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant gas station. Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!"
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Why don't Italians have barbeques? The spaghetti keeps falling through the grill.
THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT MAKES US CHRIST-LIKE
The Fruit of the Spirit
Love is the Christ-like reaction to people's malice.
Joy is the Christ-like reaction to depressing circumstances.
Peace is the Christ-like reaction to troubles, threats and invitations to anxiety.
Patience is the Christ-like reaction to all that is maddening.
Kindness is the Christ-like reaction to all that are unkind.
Goodness is the Christ-like reaction to bad people and had behavior.
Faithfulness and gentleness are the Christ-like reactions to lies and fury.
Self-control is the Christ-like reaction to every situation that goads you to lose your cool and hit out. --Author Unknown
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside.
He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there.
After a few house calls he stopped coming to the farm.
The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what’s the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.
The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
Prop Me Up
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, "Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side." After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.
He answered, "Well sir, you see, it's like this....I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time, it's withstood a lot of weather, it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall."
"Then I got to thinking 'bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I've withstood a lot of life's storms, I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times."
Sometime we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't, so we need to pray, "Lord, prop us up on our leaning side," so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord. Author unknown
When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment! Author Unknown
You can do more through a handful of totally devoted believers than through a churchful of halfhearted ones.
As I grow older, I care less what people think about me and more what God thinks of me. I expect to be with him much longer than with you. -- Robert Baker
"People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts." --Robert Keith Leavitt
There will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
"There is too much organising and too little agonising in the church today. Too much working before men and too little waiting before God."
"Where will you spend eternity?
a) here b) heaven c) hell d) not sure, is that your final answer?"
Go to God in prayer and ask him to use a "little thing" in your life to reach someone today.
"Just as saltwater fish exist their entire lives in an ocean without becoming saturated with salt, Jesus ministered in the world without being of the world." - Rick Warren
Have you ever noticed that just one *line* makes all the difference between EAT and FAT?
A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running. Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."
There's the story about the MIT student who spent an entire summer going to Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.
When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.
Our mind is where our pleasure is, our heart is where our treasure is, our love is where our life is, but all these, our pleasure, treasure, and life, are reposed in Jesus Christ. --Thomas Adams
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."
Some rules to live a long life:
- Don't throw a brick straight up.
- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
- Don't microwave yourself too often.
- Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
- If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
- No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
- When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
- Don't take long naps while driving.
God knows where we are. Sometimes we forget this. Sometimes we even feel that God has forgotten us. He hasn't. God knows exactly where we are. So when you are afflicted with those forsaken feelings, when you’re on the verge of throwing a pity party thanks to those despairing thoughts, go back to the Word of God.
--Charles Swindoll
Wal-Mart is the United States’ and the world’s largest employer with more than 1.6 million employees. Another three million people have jobs directly dependent upon business by Wal-Mart.
“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your inspiration with others.” —Robert Louis Stevenson
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” —Bill Cosby
“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” —Andre Gide
“He who is not busy being born is busy dying.” —Bob Dylan, “It’s Alright, Ma”
"The most successful people are those who are good at Plan B." -- James Yorke
"Simplify the task. Continually look for faster, better, easier ways to get the job done." -- Brian Tracy
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." -- Herman Melville
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took a long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
Most friction in life is caused by the tone of the voice.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant gas station. Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!"
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Why don't Italians have barbeques? The spaghetti keeps falling through the grill.
THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT MAKES US CHRIST-LIKE
The Fruit of the Spirit
Love is the Christ-like reaction to people's malice.
Joy is the Christ-like reaction to depressing circumstances.
Peace is the Christ-like reaction to troubles, threats and invitations to anxiety.
Patience is the Christ-like reaction to all that is maddening.
Kindness is the Christ-like reaction to all that are unkind.
Goodness is the Christ-like reaction to bad people and had behavior.
Faithfulness and gentleness are the Christ-like reactions to lies and fury.
Self-control is the Christ-like reaction to every situation that goads you to lose your cool and hit out. --Author Unknown
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside.
He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there.
After a few house calls he stopped coming to the farm.
The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what’s the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.
The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
Prop Me Up
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, "Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side." After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.
He answered, "Well sir, you see, it's like this....I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time, it's withstood a lot of weather, it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall."
"Then I got to thinking 'bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I've withstood a lot of life's storms, I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times."
Sometime we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't, so we need to pray, "Lord, prop us up on our leaning side," so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord. Author unknown
When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment! Author Unknown
You can do more through a handful of totally devoted believers than through a churchful of halfhearted ones.
As I grow older, I care less what people think about me and more what God thinks of me. I expect to be with him much longer than with you. -- Robert Baker
"People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts." --Robert Keith Leavitt
posted by joypastordon at 2:08 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home